The sea hath blogs for every woman.

I think I'm turning into a fish. At first I thought I was just extra thirsty, but yesterday, during one of my dry-run suicide attempts, I noticed I was able to stay beneath the bubbles in my bathtub for a full 17 minutes. To be fair, I haven't timed myself lately, but I think that's longer than normal. Also, when someone offered me a gummi worm at work yesterday, I briefly considered accepting but was then overcome by a strong sense of impending danger and ran to hide under a large rock in the court until I was coaxed out by my manager. It's not that I mind the transformation; I mean there are worse things that one could turn into. A brick wall going 90 miles per hour, for example. (Shout-out to Princess Di!) In all seriousness, I'm not going to try to fight this. If being a fish-girl is my destiny, then I'll welcome it with open fins. I didn't even have to think twice about ending that sentence. I wasn't tempted to use "arms" because I know they will soon be useless appendages and either shrink and mutate or simply fall off. On the downside, I won't be able to control any type of typing instrument with which to convey my feelings about becoming a completely new species, but I'll try to work out a system of communication that relies on periodically released bubbles before making the switch. One bubble could mean: "Nearing the conclusion to my theory that God is either non-existent or dead, and that in the absence of an omnipotent power, unexplainable chaos is ripping through the universe as it attempts to compete with MP3 players the size of kidney beans for our attention and awed respect." Two bubbles could mean: "I'm feeling frisky, give me a ceramic castle to hide in." Well, there should be at least a week to hammer out the details, as from my understanding the complex transformation of back hair to dorsal fin takes a minimum of 8 days. I'm not sure where I read that, if at all. Something about the number 8 makes a lot of sense to me though and I suspect it's more of the animalistic instincts I'm inheriting. In any case, I suppose I should make the most out of my opposable thumbs while I still can. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to dab a little lemon juice behind the ears and hit the town. I have a sudden urge to swim upstream and tell manipulative lies to sailors.

You suck at life and I'm not talking about the board game.

Why is it that we all cram in to tight spaces on the weekends in attempt to makeout or smoke or get drunk? Do you think if it was not customary to do these activities on the weekends that we would be doing something else? By this I mean; would we automatically tend towards bars or drinking parties? I wonder if we had a chance to start from scratch if we would do other things on the weekends. Like have everyone go out and take pictures, or have picnics, or play baseball, or ride bikes in groups. I mean who decided that we should go to these bars? Granted they are fun, but no one ever asks why we go. We just do. Makes life simple I guess. Also, why is it that logic seems to totally leave the picture when romance enters? It is a line between living and a tame logical existence. It is so easy to forget goals and aspirations when a new love is brought to the table. The question is whether this is a bad thing or not. Is one not supposed to dance in the danger of romance just because of certain risks to the heart? I would think at first no. At least not when put like that. That would be ridiculous. Why would one want to completely shut themselves off from the possibility of love just in light of a few risks? There is a compromise to be made between logic and love. Too far in either way and you are as good as dead. Most of my life is logic. School and living in general can all be done with the aid of logic, but love, love is something different. This requires that you step away from the safety of routine and actually let go. To give total and complete faith in someone else, meaning you will give all of yourself to that one person. That simply put, is not in allign with any normal thought process. So what should the balance be between the two (logic and love)? All I can say is that even though there are risks in love, there is life in love. And living is what we are here for. I guess the best thing for me is that I love math. So I win because I am in love with something logical. Beat that.

All my life.

Albums I can't listen to anymore: Grant Lee Buffalo- Might Joe Moon, the Lemonheads-Varshons, the Bananas- First 10 Years, the Cramps- How to Make a Monster, Dan Melchior and Holly Golightly, R.L. Burnside- A Bothered Mind. There are more, but these are the ones staring me in the face right now. I can't touch them without some bright flash of lips or eyes or hands welling up. The thin ghosts that attach themselves to thighs and notes and sweat and room build up over time if you let their souvenirs rest in your room. At first they only stared at me from the bookshelf, sometimes from the computer or a desk drawer, sitting gaunt and still. There are theorists who say that ghosts themselves, the kind that scare you and open and shut your doors without your permission, are nothing more than the collective thickness of emotions spent in that space. All the afternoons spent fucking or kissing or silent letting the CD run out and the lights stay off, too engrossed in whatever was happening at the time to care about illumination. The phantoms grew out of our sweat, out of our glaring eyes, out of our silent, closed mouths. I could sell CDs by the dozens, I have thousands. There aren't enough years in my life to listen to them all, so I trade in the detritus to get more flotsam, dust for dust, but these talismans, these flat discs and rectangles thick with spectres, I can't touch them. I tried listening to the songs I heard while the sweat cooled off of my stomach and a remarkably handsome boy's back and found myself waking up hours later, the stereo off and my eyes wide open. I tried hearing the songs I cradled to my heart in my warm room, climbing up the stairs at three in the morning after making a hasty and vicious phone call, but I ended up retching after the first note, not ready, and the spirits jumped free and stared from the corner of the room. They never leave, at first I brush past them in the hall, stared at them when sleeping or curled up next to someone else, old eyes and hands and smiles, the looks that make your stomach sink or your blood pound. All we ever want to do is bury ourselves in someone else, to fuck or laugh or love, and all the incidental scraps of paper, pieces of ribbon, records, songs, movies and people that get in the way are tainted with the haunted breath of some ghost or other, unusable, hazardous and poison. There's a billion other records with snapshots of hips and eyes and screams and sobs on them. I don't want to list them, even mentioning their existence sets phantoms to flying all over the room. All this to say exorcise your demons smooth and quick, cut off that limb and cauterize the room immediately. There are a thousand eyes staring at me everywhere now, from roads, from stairwells, from hallways, over buildings, huge and distant. I lie down next to a thousand sighing memories, a room thick with ghosts that never ever go away and keep staring long after the lights are turned off.
And all that is heard over and over again is Thomas fucking Dolby- She Blinded Me With Science.

I have an announcement to make...

Fuck Oprah!
I seem to be fairly enraged at things that have relatively no bearing on my life. However, I feel, for the sake of the media consuming public of our increasingly disgusting society, that I should unleash my vitriolic ramblings on a blog that no one actually reads. So having said that, may I lead in on the subject: Oprah Winfrey. Oprah.. or Orca, has recently "announced" that she is fat again. Really!? I'm sorry Oprah, but do you believe that the glare from your halo is so bright that no one noticed you blowing up like a self absorbed Macy's Day parade float? Nooo, no one saw you packing on the pounds, and it came as a total shock to everyone that you had gorged yourself to your former weight. Not that you don't have the best trainers, physicians and dietitians money can buy, but you still give weight loss advice to people. Yeah, I get it, its hard to lose weight, but when you have people who will literally make food that will help you lose weight, help you work out in the best way possible and doctors who can monitor your health and metabolism to see what the best way for you to lose weight is...well you fucking suck as a human being and should be banned from giving advice/judging others. Not to mention the fact that there were probably demographic studies that determined her ratings went down when she lost weight and became out of touch with her target audience. Which would make her a total whore for money/ratings at her own physical detriment. But fuck her incredible weight gain; back to the halo. Everyone always lauds her for all of the good charity work that she does. Well, I have a bit of a bone to pick with that. Oprah is, if not the richest woman in world, among the top 5. Well if she were such a fucking saint she wouldn't be hoarding her worth like a fat ass pirate queen. She would be giving it out to people who need it, and she would be doing it at a much greater rate than she is now. I don't have the numbers, but I would imagine that Oprah rakes in more per year than most third world countries do. But she builds a school in Africa, or some homes in New Orleans, and we're supposed to applaud her!? She could rebuild the entire ninth ward, and most likely fund the educations of all Ethiopian children, and she would still be able to live in her mansion and get fat as hell. But no, she gives a minute portion of her wealth and we are supposed to equate her with mother Theresa. What about the women who make just above the poverty line, yet volunteer their time at soup kitchens? Why aren't they held up as heroes? What about working class families that give a much higher portion of their income to their churches, or local charities? They aren't sitting on millions upon millions of dollars! Fuck Oprah! Fuck her fat opulent ass! If she would put her money where her gigantic mouth is, the world would be a better place. Instead, she goes around with a spray bottle trying to look like she's putting out fires. "She does so much good" BULLSHIT! She does the tiniest fraction of good she possibly can in order to save her wealth and boost her stock. FUCK OPRAH!

Misery loves comedy.

45 things that make me vomit....

1. The ubiquitous, insincere, "festive," brightly colored decorative touches you see everywhere these days. WHY do people insist on shoving their fake insipid "happiness" down my fucking throat?
Ex: Neon accents on windshield wipers.

2. Soporific, bland, lifeless, sub-moronic, sickeningly cute, unfunny comic strips.
Ex: Family Circus.

3. The inevitability of my mortality.

4. The paradox of "health conscious" fast food. Look, man, it's still JUNK FOOD! If you're on a diet, eat something healthy, like fruits and vegetables, god damnit!
Ex: "I'll have the low fat choco-pizza puffs, with the lo-cal triple decker sundae, and the lean choice re-fried baco-bit double taco burger, plus a large diet fudge coke-to go."

5. Optimists.

6. Belligerent beggars.

7. Selfish, greedy, decadent, insulated, wealthy morons.

8. Pretentious, psuedo-cultured slobs with way too much money to blow.

9. The odoriferous fucking sewer we lovingly call the "modern world."

10. Insidious, misleading "ecological" marketing ploys.

11. Annoying phone solicitations.
Ex: "If you'd like a subscription to Amputee Lickfest dial one now.... if you'd like to make a donation to the United Pederasts Junior League Fund, dial two now."

12. All forms of so-called popular entertainment. (Why are no-talent sycophants allowed to reap in millions while I must wallow in hellish obsscurity?)

13. Life.

14. The vast, ungodly amounts of escapist dross, mindless pap, and all around drek the human race mollycoddles its barely even used brains with.
Ex: Rush Limbaugh

15. Pathetic subcultures.
Ex: "Should we go to the H.P. Lovecraft convention or would the J.R.R. Tolkien open mic reading be cooler?"

16. Extremist goofballs.
Ex: "Doctors who perform abortion should be killed because life is sacred! Scientists doing medical research on lab animals should be murdered, because they can't play God!"

17. Candy-ass bleeding-heart tree-hugging commie-pinko pacifist hippie long-hair drug-addict glue-sniffing liberal sissy wimps.
Ex: "Life would be oh-so beautiful and groovy if we just got back to nature, ya dig?"

18. Gun-toting Puritanical repressed uptight fascist Nazi racist hate-monger amoral insensitive homophobic hawkish rapist reactionary conservative pig-dogs.
Ex: "Why should I give my money to poor people? I believe in God, Country, and unfiltered Camel cigarettes!"

19. Political divisions.

20. The sorry state of political "debate."

21. Spineless political satirists.

22. The incestuous circle-jerk that is modern academia, mired in its own pettiness, totally oblivious to the harsh realities of the world outside the ivory tower.

23. Cities.

24. Small towns.

25. Suburbs.

26. Remote rural areas.

27. The grandeur of nature.

28. The follies of humanity.

29. Real men.

30. Pointless, contrived bodily modification.

31. Public washrooms. No really, I LOVE standing in puddles of disease-infested piss.

32. Spoiled little shits.

33. Neuron-deficient trend followers.

34. The general prevalence of utter crassness plaguing our decaying society.

35. Every social, political, and/or religious system ever devised by humankind, because, hey, let's face it, they're all fatally flawed.
P.S. I especially despise all utopian systems; this includes anarchists, Marxists, Libertarians, etc.

36. Shoddily-constructed, overpriced aesthetic monstrosities built right next to decrepit, neglected, once beautiful old buildings.

37. Shopping malls.

38. The amount of money professional athletes earn. Overpaid crybabies.

39. "Power" ballads, whitebread "rap" ballads, adult contemporary pop, top 40 hits, "lite" music of any variety, so-called classic rock, new age crap, fake jazz, self-proclaimed "alternative" rock stations, boring waltzes, hyperactive DJs, sophmoric "comedy" bits, etc. In short, ALL commercial radio stations on Earth.

40. The experts.
Ex: "Trust me, I've got an advanced degree, a nifty blue suit, a sensible tie, intellectual looking glasses, an impressive command of pedantic vocabulary, plus I appear on television a lot... I KNOW what I'm talking about."

41. Hoity-toity supermodels affecting a haughy air that seems to say, "I'm a cold, inhuman, plastic whore. Now fuck my mouth." Also, anyone that would get aroused by such women.

42. Confronting my fears.

43. Any flashback to any point in my life.

44. Anyone who thinks I give a rat's ass about their opinions of me, good or bad.

45. Every single human being who has ever lived, is currently living, and/or will someday be born. (Including myself.)

Here comes the imagination trolley with a bundle of whimsy just for your stupid ass!

Dear Grapefruit,

Stop it. You're not a grape. You don't look like a grape. You're not anything like a grape. You posses neither the size or shape or physical properties or width or depth or height or length or even the spherical dimensions of a grape. You certainly don't taste like a grape, unless it was a grape that got raped by a radioactive lemon and mutated. The contents of the world's biggest sugarbowl couldn't erase the fact that you're a sour-tasting imposter, and to be honest, I'm not even sold on the fruit part.

With deep regards of sincerity forever,
Produce Manager on LSD

Deedle Deedle Dee.

Im sick and fucking tired of the term "Graphic Novel" being the new buzz word attached to anything supposedly hip and indie.
When you see the tagline "Based on the award winning best-selling graphic novel by blah blah blah", what it really means is: "Some artfag production company thinks they can make some cash off the pseudo-intellectual masturbatory fodder of some art school drop-out loser jerkoff who thinks they have more than one functional idea rotting in their aborted sponge of a brain and because of the unconditional love and support of some misguided parent or spouse, this same douchebag now has the funding to self publish this self indulgent immature trainwreck abortion of a story in trade paperback and because the market is over saturated with self published or just plain forgettable sub par bullshit, this thing actually turns out some pathetic numbers for the month that it was solicited and heres the real kicker, these numbers are based off what the retailer orders from teh distributor, not what actually moves off the shelves, so this complete ratfuck or a publication ends up in the half price bins and stagnates there for 10-12 years before said "indie shop" goes under and all the shit gets sold at a swap-meet." Its all a big jerk off fest but you're not alone without some helpful hints, here are a few "buzz word definitions" to help you decipher what it is you may consider purchasing in the future:
"Poignant" - Someone gets raped, survives.
"Coming of Age Story" - Someone witnesses someone getting raped.
"Precocious" - Someone narrowly avoids being raped.
"Outspoken" - Someone gets raped, helps others to avoid same.
Point being, modern comic book writers cant think of any other trial or difficulty for female characters to endure besides rape... hacks just LOOOVE to throw rape at a female, it's a documented fact, do the math!
Comics suck these days, tell your friends!