Misery loves comedy.

45 things that make me vomit....

1. The ubiquitous, insincere, "festive," brightly colored decorative touches you see everywhere these days. WHY do people insist on shoving their fake insipid "happiness" down my fucking throat?
Ex: Neon accents on windshield wipers.

2. Soporific, bland, lifeless, sub-moronic, sickeningly cute, unfunny comic strips.
Ex: Family Circus.

3. The inevitability of my mortality.

4. The paradox of "health conscious" fast food. Look, man, it's still JUNK FOOD! If you're on a diet, eat something healthy, like fruits and vegetables, god damnit!
Ex: "I'll have the low fat choco-pizza puffs, with the lo-cal triple decker sundae, and the lean choice re-fried baco-bit double taco burger, plus a large diet fudge coke-to go."

5. Optimists.

6. Belligerent beggars.

7. Selfish, greedy, decadent, insulated, wealthy morons.

8. Pretentious, psuedo-cultured slobs with way too much money to blow.

9. The odoriferous fucking sewer we lovingly call the "modern world."

10. Insidious, misleading "ecological" marketing ploys.

11. Annoying phone solicitations.
Ex: "If you'd like a subscription to Amputee Lickfest dial one now.... if you'd like to make a donation to the United Pederasts Junior League Fund, dial two now."

12. All forms of so-called popular entertainment. (Why are no-talent sycophants allowed to reap in millions while I must wallow in hellish obsscurity?)

13. Life.

14. The vast, ungodly amounts of escapist dross, mindless pap, and all around drek the human race mollycoddles its barely even used brains with.
Ex: Rush Limbaugh

15. Pathetic subcultures.
Ex: "Should we go to the H.P. Lovecraft convention or would the J.R.R. Tolkien open mic reading be cooler?"

16. Extremist goofballs.
Ex: "Doctors who perform abortion should be killed because life is sacred! Scientists doing medical research on lab animals should be murdered, because they can't play God!"

17. Candy-ass bleeding-heart tree-hugging commie-pinko pacifist hippie long-hair drug-addict glue-sniffing liberal sissy wimps.
Ex: "Life would be oh-so beautiful and groovy if we just got back to nature, ya dig?"

18. Gun-toting Puritanical repressed uptight fascist Nazi racist hate-monger amoral insensitive homophobic hawkish rapist reactionary conservative pig-dogs.
Ex: "Why should I give my money to poor people? I believe in God, Country, and unfiltered Camel cigarettes!"

19. Political divisions.

20. The sorry state of political "debate."

21. Spineless political satirists.

22. The incestuous circle-jerk that is modern academia, mired in its own pettiness, totally oblivious to the harsh realities of the world outside the ivory tower.

23. Cities.

24. Small towns.

25. Suburbs.

26. Remote rural areas.

27. The grandeur of nature.

28. The follies of humanity.

29. Real men.

30. Pointless, contrived bodily modification.

31. Public washrooms. No really, I LOVE standing in puddles of disease-infested piss.

32. Spoiled little shits.

33. Neuron-deficient trend followers.

34. The general prevalence of utter crassness plaguing our decaying society.

35. Every social, political, and/or religious system ever devised by humankind, because, hey, let's face it, they're all fatally flawed.
P.S. I especially despise all utopian systems; this includes anarchists, Marxists, Libertarians, etc.

36. Shoddily-constructed, overpriced aesthetic monstrosities built right next to decrepit, neglected, once beautiful old buildings.

37. Shopping malls.

38. The amount of money professional athletes earn. Overpaid crybabies.

39. "Power" ballads, whitebread "rap" ballads, adult contemporary pop, top 40 hits, "lite" music of any variety, so-called classic rock, new age crap, fake jazz, self-proclaimed "alternative" rock stations, boring waltzes, hyperactive DJs, sophmoric "comedy" bits, etc. In short, ALL commercial radio stations on Earth.

40. The experts.
Ex: "Trust me, I've got an advanced degree, a nifty blue suit, a sensible tie, intellectual looking glasses, an impressive command of pedantic vocabulary, plus I appear on television a lot... I KNOW what I'm talking about."

41. Hoity-toity supermodels affecting a haughy air that seems to say, "I'm a cold, inhuman, plastic whore. Now fuck my mouth." Also, anyone that would get aroused by such women.

42. Confronting my fears.

43. Any flashback to any point in my life.

44. Anyone who thinks I give a rat's ass about their opinions of me, good or bad.

45. Every single human being who has ever lived, is currently living, and/or will someday be born. (Including myself.)

Here comes the imagination trolley with a bundle of whimsy just for your stupid ass!

Dear Grapefruit,

Stop it. You're not a grape. You don't look like a grape. You're not anything like a grape. You posses neither the size or shape or physical properties or width or depth or height or length or even the spherical dimensions of a grape. You certainly don't taste like a grape, unless it was a grape that got raped by a radioactive lemon and mutated. The contents of the world's biggest sugarbowl couldn't erase the fact that you're a sour-tasting imposter, and to be honest, I'm not even sold on the fruit part.

With deep regards of sincerity forever,
Produce Manager on LSD

Deedle Deedle Dee.

Im sick and fucking tired of the term "Graphic Novel" being the new buzz word attached to anything supposedly hip and indie.
When you see the tagline "Based on the award winning best-selling graphic novel by blah blah blah", what it really means is: "Some artfag production company thinks they can make some cash off the pseudo-intellectual masturbatory fodder of some art school drop-out loser jerkoff who thinks they have more than one functional idea rotting in their aborted sponge of a brain and because of the unconditional love and support of some misguided parent or spouse, this same douchebag now has the funding to self publish this self indulgent immature trainwreck abortion of a story in trade paperback and because the market is over saturated with self published or just plain forgettable sub par bullshit, this thing actually turns out some pathetic numbers for the month that it was solicited and heres the real kicker, these numbers are based off what the retailer orders from teh distributor, not what actually moves off the shelves, so this complete ratfuck or a publication ends up in the half price bins and stagnates there for 10-12 years before said "indie shop" goes under and all the shit gets sold at a swap-meet." Its all a big jerk off fest but you're not alone without some helpful hints, here are a few "buzz word definitions" to help you decipher what it is you may consider purchasing in the future:
"Poignant" - Someone gets raped, survives.
"Coming of Age Story" - Someone witnesses someone getting raped.
"Precocious" - Someone narrowly avoids being raped.
"Outspoken" - Someone gets raped, helps others to avoid same.
Point being, modern comic book writers cant think of any other trial or difficulty for female characters to endure besides rape... hacks just LOOOVE to throw rape at a female, it's a documented fact, do the math!
Comics suck these days, tell your friends!

Let me put my poems in you.

Thug means never having to say you're sorry.
Love means you're constantly apologizing.